Well folks it's been quite a while since I posted anything, October to be exact. Part of the 'break' in posting has been a break in my thought process. In early October my biological grandfather passed away and not to delve too deeply into that story, I took it a bit harder than I thought I would. He and I have only been speaking in the last two years or so, and we were only just starting to get to know each other. Sure I knew he was a postman but I didn't know anything about him. His favorite topic of discussion was my sons, he would ask about them often and relished in the fact he could be a part of my life via the world wide web. Now I know I am not the only person on this planet to lose a family member, I had already lost 3 grandparents by the time Sidney passed away, but this one hurt a bit more.
When my nanny and papa died I was a teenager, I was sad but in a very private way. My mom didn't think I really cried for them when in actuality it was in my daily repertoire, I would see things that reminded me of my papa and I would start crying. This went on, well hell it still does. When my nanny died I was around 16, not exactly an age known for compassion, at least not to my knowledge at the time. It was a hard time for me then too, I hadn't fully recovered from my papa and then we were back in Florida this time packing everything away.
We barely made it to Florida in time before she passed away, my mom and I had to pack her apartment (with the help of a moving company). Going through her stuff was part hysterical and part sad, she had more polyester suites than I had ever seen in my life. She had a drawer that was full of lottery tickets, she was unlucky to have family in the area who intimidated her out of her possessions after my papa passed away. There was the glass trunk of elephants that I had known over the many years of spring break visits when I was younger. The weird bottles of alcohol shaped like gorillas, clowns, I think a Buddha and a few others I can remember. Her extra bathroom shower was a storage closet for paper towels and toilet paper I think. Her master bathroom was filled of the free gift with purchase make up bags and little samples. All in all it was interesting to learn about who she was when I was older though now all of the little things I knew were different, I got to see her life though her possessions and by what she chose to collect.
Only a few years ago my Jidoh passed away, he was fairly old...no one really knows exactly how old he was. But he was another amazing person in my life...sure we didn't speak the same language but I knew he cared about all of us very much. Plus he was the second best cook I know. He made the worlds best humus, and he was always concerned about everyone's time. I'm sure if I knew what he was saying he would have been a riot too. He had 10 kids, I mean that's a got to be a story in itself. He was active and would be up before everyone either getting pita bread for my dad or getting his arghile ready. (For those of you who don't know what that is, its a hookah. If you don't know what that is you can Google it). Though I never had it I know he liked this extremely strong coffee and for fear of causing a major war I'm not going to try to remember what they called it. He had a few birds, I think they were canary's and watching him with them you could see a compassionate man who really cared about other people. That is at least how I saw him. Sure there are other stories but I am getting off topic.
So why does this matter to my lack of posting, well I didn't know Sidney. It wasn't until I found out that he passed away that I really got to know him. My aunt read my cousins memorial reading and I was barely able to keep my composure. He had a crazy sweet tooth and my whole life has been revolving around candy, no one else in my family has the same affliction. He loved to buy things off of infomercials, and I am sure if I had the financial backing my house would have the magic bullet, the gazelle and who knows what else. He was a fun grandpa, he would pick up my cousins from school and take them to McDonalds for a treat, they got to have sleepovers with my grandparents. For a recent birthday they took him to Dave & Busters and from what I have been told he had a blast.
Everything I've learned about him has come from someone else, I do not have stories to tell. I know this sounds selfish and I could really care less about that. I didn't get a chance to know him, I put off visiting because the weather, the cost, other trips planned, insert useless reason here and then it was too late. He died and I never got to meet him. Sure when I was very young I met him, stayed with them and the whole nine yards but I cannot remember anything from that visit except a conversation I had with my aunt about having a frog in my throat. My aunt tells me he is with me anyways, that as long as I think of him he is with me...I'd like to tell you I believe that but that's not what I feel.
It took a lot out of me, I am a mother now. I worry what kind of relationship my boys will have with their grandparents. I hope that one day when facing this stage of life they are fully equipped to handle it. That they will get to know their grandparents as much as they want to. That my mom can tell the boys stories about me I wish she hadn't. That my dad will be at their graduation harassing them about college and becoming a doctor. That my husbands parents will get to meet their future girlfriends, wives, children.
Death is not easy, no one can tell you exactly how you will feel on any given day. No one can say how long you are going to look at elephant figurines and think of your grandparents. No one can tell you how many times you are going to sit through the Wizard of Oz because it reminds you of your visits to sunny Florida. No one has the answers, so this is why I seemed to fall off the face of the web.
Prior to his death I had been losing weight and starting to be okay with my life and where it was headed. I was writing a story and putting it out in the world for other people to read. If you are reading this then you have probably read this story. It is not easy to put yourself out there like this. Sure I have the anonymity of the web but that's not how I chose to do this. Since he passed away the weight is back, and my outlook has taken a turn. His death was not the only stress in my life around October, but it was the catalyst, the straw that broke the camels back.
I made it though the holidays, and into the new year. I can only hope that this new year brings new opportunities. And with all of this I am staring to write again, its taking a lot longer than I would like, I am definitely over analyzing every word I write, and a few papers have been sent to the circular file but I am writing, I will have more of the story to tell, I am moving forward...as slow as it is I am moving. So please bear with me and have patience...greatness takes time!
No comments:
Post a Comment